The Meek
by Yitz
Summary: A young woman named Claire considers transferring from Dauntless, the faction where she was born, into Abnegation.


There has always been a place in my mind where I feel safe. I go there when I lie awake in my bed at night; I go there when someone scoffs at my weakness; I go there when I think of the future.

Sometimes I imagine being brave and strong like I am supposed to be - I see myself with colorful streaks on my hair and dark tattoos on my body, running with my classmates along the streets of the ruined city. I envision myself winning fights against my toughest peers. In this world, no one could dream of calling me "Scaredy-Claire." My parents would be proud of me, and at the Choosing Ceremony I wouldn't even think twice about spilling my blood on the coals.

Other times I try to picture the inverse: a reality where everyone is like me, reserved and non-confrontational. This is easier to imagine, because I've seen glimpses of it in real life. The people who wear all gray and speak softly to each other on the playground while the other children from my faction would wrestle for fun. My parents call these people Stiffs, and somehow that is the way I feel myself. When my mother checks my muscle development and shakes her head sadly, I stiffen. I try to pretend it's not happening. And then I let my mind drift into that safe place.

My parents love me, but they love my older sister Arden more. She is the embodiment of the tenets of Dauntless. She is fearless, but more than that, she is brave. I've seen her save people and intervene in fights. Once there was a fire near our school building, and she ran to put it out herself, while I was hiding under my desk.

Somehow, she still believes I'm going to succeed in our faction. Arden has her own apartment now, of course, but since she's stayed in Dauntless she can come see us whenever she has free time. "I'm going to help you, Claire," she'll say. "I'm going to show you the moves they teach in initiation. You'll be more prepared than anyone." Then she'll demonstrate punches and kicks that we both know I can't do. It's not that Arden thinks my potential is great; she just doesn't want to lose me. If I choose Dauntless, I will most certainly fail initiation and become factionless. If I choose another faction...

I can't think about that. Not yet. Instead I think of what comes before, the thing that's happening tomorrow: my personality test. It will tell me who I really am and where I belong.

The next day, I jump off the subway car like the others, but unlike them I don't land on my feet. I stumble in the grassy patch next to the train tracks, which is lucky since it means I'll get off without any injuries. Or maybe it's unlucky - a cut or two might make me seem just the tiniest bit tougher. I'm surprised when someone comes to help me up, but of course it's not anybody from my faction. A Dauntless member would tell me it's my own fault for being so clumsy, that I should persevere through the pain and pull myself up. That would be the brave thing to do. Maybe I could have gotten up without help, but I'm thankful for it. I see the person who assisted me was a girl from Abnegation, her hair in a tight bun, her loose gray outfit moving slightly in the wind. "Thank you," I tell her, but she just nods and walks away. I bet she will choose to stay in Abnegation. When she returns to her group of friends, they smile and pat her back. They approve of what she did, and I wonder what that feels like.

After lunch, we wait in the cafeteria. I find a spot at the corner of a table of people who don't notice me, which I guess is for the best. I sit with my legs folded under and my hands in my lap. Maybe if I don't take up too much space, no one will see me. Maybe I can turn invisible. I glance around as the first group of names are called. Everyone is nervous, except for my fellow Dauntless, who are nervous but pretending not to be. I doubt I'm good at hiding my anxiety, but it's not like anyone is looking at me, anyway. I peer at the table of Abnegation and I spy the girl who helped me up earlier. She doesn't gaze back, and I feel strangely relieved. What would I do if her eyes met mine? Would I smile and wave, or just quickly look away?

The group who was called has returned. They look tired. Now the reality of the situation has set in. It is all about to begin.

When it's my turn to be tested, I'm called with a Dauntless boy who I'm certain has never spoken to me before. He doesn't take this time to change that. I try to smile at him as we step into our adjacent rooms, but he's looking straight ahead. His expression is steely; he doesn't need my encouragement. I don't feel the same way. It would be nice if someone would smile at me and try to give me the sense that everything would be alright, but that hadn't happened. When my parents sent me off to school this morning, they said the same thing they always do: "Try to be brave today, Claire." So I'll try now. I take a deep breath and force my body into the room before me.

The person inside it is a Candor man. Maybe I've seen him before; I don't remember. His face is kind, though. "Hello," he says. "Are you ready?"

I am not ready, and I don't want to lie to a Candor. But if I say no, that will reveal my weakness. A disappointment to my parents in its own small way. I decide the best option is just to shrug. Maybe if I appear apathetic it won't be obvious how nervous I am.

"Please sit down," the man says. "My name is Oscar. I'll be administering your test."

I follow the instructions, sitting in the strange chair in the middle of the room. It is neither soft nor hard; I can't sink into it nor support myself against the back. When I'm relatively relaxed, Oscar starts attaching metallic objects to my head. What are they called? I remember learning about this in some class, but now the information escapes me. I could ask Oscar - the benefit of having a Candor performing my test is that he'll have to answer any questions honestly. "Is this dangerous?" I venture.

"The test? Certainly not," he says. His voice sounds slightly amused, as if it's funny that I would even ask. "Are you ready?"

"OK."

Oscar hands me a tiny glass filled with liquid.

"What is this?" I ask.

"This begins the test," he explains. "You need to drink it."

Well, there's obviously no point in arguing. I look at Oscar. I want to ask him more questions, stall a little, but I know I'd better not. The brave thing to do, I decide, is just to get the test over with. So I lift the glass to my lips and pour in the liquid.

I'm still in the room, but the world has changed. There is only me, now. Oscar, the equipment, the chair and the door have all disappeared. The walls are still covered with mirrors, but I hardly paid attention to them before. I don't like to look at my reflection, because who will I see? Someone weak, someone who falls terribly short of expectations. Finally I glance in one of the mirrors and face myself. My skin is freckly, my hair is long. I wear eyeliner the way Arden taught me to, but even my all-black outfit can't make me look like a real Dauntless.

"Choose," someone behind me says.

I turn and there's no one there, but there are two baskets sitting on a table. One of them holds a large block of cheese, and the other has a knife. I've seen this sort of weapon plenty of times before; many people at Dauntless carried them for protection or just for the sake of doing it. Once, for my birthday, my father gave me a pocket knife that I could carry too, but I didn't want it; I hid it under my mattress and said I lost it. The knife, I figure, must be the key to getting a Dauntless result.

"Choose now," the voice says again.

I want to make my parents proud. I will try to be brave for them. I reach down and pick up the knife, but it feels foreign in my hand. I seriously consider putting it back and taking the cheese instead, but as soon as I've got the knife, both baskets and the table disappear. "Wait," I say to no one, or to myself. "I changed my mind."

But the baskets don't reappear. Instead, I see a dog in the distance. It's big, and it's angry. And it's charging toward me. Is it going to attack me? That must be it. I'm supposed to defend myself with the knife. That was the choice I made: to kill this animal. I guess it is brave on some level, to be unafraid of a fight. But it's not really fair, is it? Surely I'm smarter, but the dog is stronger. I imagine the knife is meant to even the playing field, but I don't want to use it. I drop the knife on the ground and sit next to it. The dog gets closer, and closer, and I wonder if it's possible to feel pain in this simulation, when the dog stops and turns toward a different direction. I look over and see there's now a little boy standing in a different corner of the room. "Hi doggy," he chirps.

What would be the brave thing to do now? "Run!" I yelp, wondering if I sound like a fool. I can't guess what I would do if confronted with this situation in real life: likely there'd be some other Dauntless who was actually strong enough to protect the person under attack. That's what I should try to do. Maybe I'm not brave enough to defend myself, but I'm not going to see a child get hurt. I pick up the knife and throw it, not to hit the dog but to distract it; the metal clangs on the ground and the dog starts after me again. "Run now!" I yell at the boy again, and he does until he disappears. Then the dog, too, is gone.

I sit down on the floor and catch my breath, but suddenly I find myself sitting in a chair instead. I look around; somehow I've been transported to a courtroom. There's a microphone in front of me, and everyone's eyes are on me.

A woman walks up to me and glares. "Claire, I need your help here." She points to someone sitting a few feet away from me. "Is it true that you saw this person stealing?"

I glance at who she's indicating and realize I recognize him: it's the little boy from the earlier who I told to run away from the dog. "What?" I say aloud. Why is he here? What is going on?

The woman moves her face close to mine. "This is very serious. The punishment for theft is death. So I need to know: did you or did you not see this young man stealing?"

I look at the boy and suddenly an image appears in my mind: I see him throw a brick through a window and take something out of it. I _did_ see him stealing, somehow. But the death penalty for such a small crime? It's insane... and he's so young.

The woman smacks the table, refocusing my attention on her. "Answer me! Yes or no? Did you see him committing the crime of theft?"

I close my eyes for a moment. What would be the brave thing to do? Protecting someone from an unjust punishment. Helping someone who cannot help himself. That would be brave, I think. "No," I tell her.

The woman glares at me. "Are you sure?" she asks.

_I will not give in._"I'm sure," I tell her.

And with that, I wake up, back in the testing room with Oscar by my side.

"Interesting," he says.

"What is?"

Oscar rubs his chin and stares at the computer screen. "Well, Claire, your test outcome is interesting. You were born and raised in Dauntless, yet your result was for Abnegation. That's not exactly common."

I stare at him. I'm not sure how to feel. Happy? Sad? One thing is for sure - I am confused. "How?" I ask.

"Well, basically, the test works by eliminating factions by evaluating your aptitude for them," Oscar tells me while he rearranges the equipment to prepare for the next person. "In the first test, you chose the knife, which eliminated Amity. Ordinarily choosing the knife suggests an aptitude for Dauntless, but your hesitation and then refusal to use it on the dog actually eliminated that faction. You also showed a lack of technical knowledge on how to deal with the situation, which eliminated Erudite." He turns and looks at me momentarily. "Not that you're stupid, or anything. It merely indicates you're not interested in a life dedicated to the pursuit of information." Oscar shrugs and goes back to what he's doing. "That left Candor and Abnegation, which is why you were sent to the second simulation. There, you chose to tell a lie to help another person, which eliminated Candor. Not to mention that your actions in the first simulation, when you were willing to sacrifice yourself to save the boy. You have the highest aptitude for Abnegation."

I can't think of anything to say except, "Oh."

When I sit back down with the rest of the Dauntless, I feel a strange surge of happiness. The test didn't say I was weak or scared, only that I was different. I am not like these other people. They will grow up to be soldiers, police - fighters. Not me.

My adrenaline has faded by the time I get home. Arden is there to congratulate me, but she doesn't ask my results, which I'm thankful for. She must know that my result wasn't Dauntless, but she just doesn't want it confirmed. I understand. She doesn't want to think that all her training has been for nothing. And I don't think she wants to lose me, either. And I don't want to lose her. Arden is the closest friend I've ever had, and the thought of living without her makes me afraid. Should I stay in Dauntless, to be with her? Maybe I still have a chance to make my parents proud. I can still remember some of the moves Arden taught me; I'll be weak at first, but I can train longer and harder than the others. There's some way, isn't there?

When my parents get home, they congratulate me too, but they seem sad. That night, my mother comes and sits at the edge of my bed. I look at her: my mother is muscular in a feminine way; I guess "shapely" might be the word. Normally she likes to wear dark eye shadow, but by this time of night, she's taken it off. I can see her tattoos: one flower on each of her shoulders, for each of her daughters, she's told me. Arden's flower is a red foxglove, beautiful but poisonous. The one for me is a small blue flower, but I don't know its name.

"Claire," my mother says. Her voice is unusually gentle.

"Yes," I reply.

"Did your test go well today?"

"Yes. Sure."

Mom smiles and looks down at the floor. "I know... I know things have been difficult for you. Sometimes the world we live in can be oppressive with its expectations." She sighs. "But I want you to understand that your father and I always have and always will love you."

I just stare at her. My mother has never talked to me this way. "Thank you," is all I can think to say.

"When you were growing up, you didn't like to play with the other kids. You would only play with Arden, because she'd never hurt you. You were fragile."

Now that sounds more familiar. I'm plenty used to having my physique criticized. "I know," I tell her.

Mom tucks some hair behind one of her ears. "Your father and I were worried about you. We tried to encourage you, but you've always been a dreamer." She sighs. "I always knew you would leave us."

"What?" I'm stunned for a moment. Then it makes sense: of course she knew. My parents had always made it clear to me that I was well behind expectations. They were always aware that I was not strong or fearless or brave enough for Dauntless. Would they have predicted I'd stay anyhow? No, surely not.

"It's alright," Mom says. "You know... this tattoo I have here, this is for you."

"One flower for Arden, one for me. You've told me." I smile.

"Yes, you remember. A foxglove for her, and this flower, for you... is called a forget-me-not."

"Oh..." I get it. She always knew I'd leave them, and she didn't want to forget me. My mom got the tattoo to remember me. To prepare for my departure. I want to cry, but I haven't cried in front of anyone else since I was a baby, not even Arden. At least I was Dauntless enough not to do that.

Mom places her hand over mine. Her nails are black; mine are clear. "Be brave, Claire," she says.

At the Choosing Ceremony, I sit with my family, and among the families of the kids I sat with in the cafeteria the day before. Most of them look happy this time. These are the ones who know they will choose Dauntless. Those of us who look tense are the ones who aren't so sure. I watch as people make their decisions. Most people stay in their faction of origin - this is the safe, comfortable choice. They walk to the stage with confidence and then happily return to their parents, who hug them. I know I could take this path, too. I could stay with my family, surprise them with my choice to remain in the faction where I was born. But there would be great costs. Even if I managed to stay in Dauntless and not become factionless, I would spend the rest of my days being ridiculed, always being reminded of how I am too weak, too easily intimidated. I could try with all my might and still end up falling short.

When my name is called, I push my mind into its safe place. I pretend I'm walking to school. I try to imagine that I am one of the Dauntless who came before me, optimistic and proud and most of all, secure in their choice. I envision myself getting tattoos and growing muscular. It's possible, isn't it? For a moment, I look at my reflection in the pool of water within the bowl signifying Erudite. I look as scared as I feel.

Robotically, I pick up the knife and drag it across my palm. It hurts. I know that if I choose Dauntless now, it will be far from the last moment of physical pain I will be experiencing. _Be brave, Claire,_ I will myself. _Be brave._

I can't.

I know I'm weak. I'm afraid of everything: when I was a young child, I was afraid of the dark; when I told my parents, they said it would pass if I learned to conquer my fear. My father told me all Dauntless have this ability, and that was what true bravery meant. But even still, my mother brought me a little lamp and let me use it as a nightlight. It was only supposed to be a temporary thing - she wanted to wean me off it, but she never did. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, but I didn't conquer the fear, I just grew out of it. And maybe I can grow out of my other fears, too. But not if I stay in Dauntless. Not if I allow myself to go back to the place where I'm intimidated by every one of my peers, and it's a rarity for my own parents to show me kindness. I love them, and I love Arden, but separating myself from them may be the bravest thing I can do in this lifetime.

I let my blood drip onto the gray stones.

"Abnegation!" Marcus declares, the loudness of his voice pulling me back into the real world. I recognize what I have done. I dare to steal a glance at my family; my mom is wiping away a tear, but they're smiling. Arden nods, and I nod back. I know I have abandoned them, but they know what I had to do. They understand it. And they still love me.

I look at my new family: the Abnegation, in their loose gray clothing. I walk over to them, and I notice that the girl who helped me up yesterday is sitting in the front row. She smiles and stands up as I approach, then bows her head to me. I return the gesture.

"My name is Susan," she says as she helps bandage my cut. "We'll be honored to have you join us."

"It'll be OK," I mumble. "Won't it?"

"Don't worry," Susan tells me.

I glance back at my old faction as the next name is called. Despite the choice I have made, the world will move on, and I have moved along with it; from Dauntless to Abnegation, from black to gray, or from darkness to light.


End file.
